Purportedly there is a sex tape featuring Adele that was set to hit the Internet yesterday. Paparazzo Jean Claude Elfassi was supposed to post uncensored images from the tape on his personal blog, and the magazine Public was going to feature them as well. The tape was allegedly made with her ex-boyfriend that inspired many of 21's songs, so the release of the tape is his form of revenge.
Now I know what you're saying, why would anyone want to view an Adele sex tape? Because she's fat, she's not sexy. And these same naysayers would also argue that because she's fat, she's not deserving of all the Grammys she took home. Well, instead of arguing my side of things, I decided to learn a little more about Adele and her physical attributes to see if any of this bias against is justified. To do so, I consulted with British music insider, 411mania writer, and the creator of the music blog Alphabet Bands, Mr. Adam Hill.
Did you think Adele’s sweep of the Grammys was justified?
Adam Hill: Before we start, I need to disclose, I am not a huge fan of Adele. I get why she is popular, but she does little for me. She is the mascot for the New Boring movement within music right now.
That said, I fully understand why she did so well at the Grammy’s. No one could get near her the level of both critical acclaim and album sales. She was always going to win big, so to sweep the board was not a surprise. Was it deserved? I’m not sure, but there weren’t exactly a plethora of other outstanding candidates, that fit the Grammy’s must-have-name-recognition bill.
What about all this talk about an Adele sex tape? Has it rocked the very foundation of your home country?
AH: I did a quick poll, barely anyone had heard of it and frankly, no one gives a shit either way. The only thing that would rock the foundation of our country would be if the sex tape was of Adele and Susan Boyle having a three-way with Ric Waller (Google is your friend here people, hint; he big), that would certainly get the earth moving.
Would you watch an Adele sex tape?
AH: I would rather have my Google search history read allowed to thousands of people.
In certain areas of the US, people are more obese because of the cooking styles in that region. What foods do you think Adele eats in England that has given her such a plump appearance?
AH: I think she ate Yorkshire. Not Yorkshire Pudding. She ate Yorkshire.
Would you say Adele is voluptuous?
AH: If McDonald’s can get away with calling their burgers ‘meat’, then Adele can get away with being called voluptuous. Don’t make it right though.
Would you say Adele is thick?
AH: Hell no, she knows exactly what she is doing and has her business brain very firmly switched on. She made millions out of being dumped for crying out loud! That’s smart.
Oh wait, did you mean thick as in, not thin? In that case, yeah, she is.
Would you say Adele is anorexic if we lived within Bizarro world in the Superman comics?
AH: Bizarro world? Nick, there are some places in America where Adele would get called anorexic.
Do you think Adele’s powerful voice comes at the price of being a bigger woman, meaning if she slimmed down, she wouldn’t sound as good?
AH: Size is often equated to lung and vocal capacity sure, but you don’t have to be a whale to belt out a tune. She may not hold notes for as long, but I don’t doubt she would still be able to belt out a tune or two.
Give my readers something else to listen to besides Adele’s ‘21’.
AH: Depends what sort of thing you want. If you want an alternative, gentle on the ears, female vocalist, go for Rumer and her Dusty Springfield-esque sounds on Seasons of My Soul.
If you want something more upbeat and mainstream, you’d do worse than check out the pop-soul sounds of Juan Zelada. His debut album, High Ceilings & Collarbones, has just come out on Decca.
Or, if you want something less mainstream but that is just brilliant, go for the new Roman Ruins album, Homebuilding. You can pre-order it now on Gold Robot and you’ll get the download early..
Thanks for the input, Adam. Be sure to check out Adam Hill's work at the excellent music blog Alphabet Bands.
In case you didn't catch what Adam was saying in his insider analysis, Adele is fat. There you have it. As for the purported sex tape, the thing has been proven to be fake. The woman was just another fat girl getting porked in the backseat of a car. Hopefully they hosed down the seats afterward. Is it a blessing in disguise that we weren't subjected to an Adele sex tape? I'll let you guys tell me.
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